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No Time to Eat, it's Time for School!
by John Lavallée

Well, it's back to school time, and throughout North America, loving parents are calming the fears of their children as they prepare to "hit the books" once again.  "Shut up, McGwire is up at bat again!" they shriek soothingly.

My younger brother Kevin is thrilled to be entering grade 1 this year.  I'm not sure if this is because he is enthused with education, or more likely, because there is no grade 1 equivalent to the ever-popular "kindergarten baby" rhyme.

Meanwhile, I have begun grade 12 at another school, far enough away from Kevin so that I can forget about him for 7 hours a day.  Grade 12, as you may know, is an important year which is critical to one's future.  My marks this year will determine whether I go on to post-secondary education or spend the rest of my life supersizing extra-value meals.

The schedule planning drones at my school appreciate the importance of my senior yearm and as such, they wisely decided that I would be better off without lunch.  "What the hell do I care?" schedule drone #176 muttered as he penciled me in for 7 consecutive classes.  "Where's MY friggin' lunch break?"

"Oh joy!" I exclaimed happily when I received my schedule.  "I certainly don't feel like uttering any bad words in case my dialogue is being transcribed."  I did though, which is why I ended the quote there.  Soon after, I signed the "conflicts" sheet in the office.  Being the quick and efficient administration that they are, I got my lunch slot... 3 days later.  When I signed up for my schedule change, it seemed to my untrained eye that I was within the top 20 names, but apparently, from the time it took to have my schedule change pushed through, the entire country of Kazakhstan was called before me.

I do not want to cast aspersions against the administration, so please do not misinterpret me.  I do not want to suggest that they were being lazy and putting off letting me eat.  In fact, they were so busy that they didn't even have time to read the conflicts list before calling people down.

At one point, I was sitting in my English class, listening to my teacher proudly discuss her immaturity when an announcement was made.  "Would the following students please bring their timetables down to the office..."  As my teacher rolled her eyes, I prayed, as I can be a religious man when my lunch is at stake, for my name to be called.  "I can't read this," the voice conceeded after a pause.  "M...Mm...Morgan?"

After this, I almost gave up on ever getting my lunch.  However, I have since regained my health (note from editor:  but as I type this, I have a sore throat and a runny nose, so it didn't last) and no longer have an excuse to neglect my website.  Of course, that has never stopped me.

If you have any friends in Kazakhstan, please inform them that it is too late for them to get a lunch slot now.