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The Cabbie's Drinking Rye
A monologue based on a character from J. D. Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye.
by John Lavallée

So this fare I had--a kid.  A kid with goddam grey hair of all things.  So this kid gets in the cab and asks me to take him to Ernies--a real fancy joint with some guy who plays the piano or somethin.  So I’m drivin along, trying to knock up the fair a bit by takin a--whadayacallit--detour, when the kid starts to talk to me.  Not that I mind when somebody wants a talk wit me, it’s just what I’m sayin, I ain’t bein paid to talk, so I shouldn’t be expected to have to talk to no one, just drive, that’s all.  That’s what they pay me to do, y’know. So the kid is talkin about somethin or other when all of a sudden he asks me about this lake at Central Park.  He says, “You ever pass by the lagoon at Central Park?”  And I asks him what’s that.  So he tells me it’s a lake or somethin with ducks.  Who the hell cares about that?  So dis kid is really confusin me now, because I dunno what the hell his point is.  I don need that, I’m a cab driver for Chrissakes, not some chum of his or somethin.  So he asks me where the ducks in that there lake go in the winter when it freezes, if they fly off or someone goes and moves them or somethin.  And I asks him why the hell do I care, and stuff.  So he calls me sore.  I says who’s sore, nobody’s sore.  Not me anyway.  I don get sore, except maybe when little kids call me sore and  stuff and don’t make any sense.  So maybe I was a bit sore, but that’s not the point.  The point is that this kid was a nut.  He was out of his mind.  And after that, he didn’t say a word.  He just sat there sayin nothing.  So I figured I better say somethin, cause it was gettin a bit uncomfortable what with him and I not talking.  So I tells him that the fish don’t go anywhere when it freezes, I know that much.  They stay right there.  He says to me that the fish are different, and I asks him how are they different.  They’ve got it harder, actually, than the ducks and all.  So that stumps him for a bit.  He didn’t know what the hell to say after that.  So finally he says, “What do they do, the fish and all, when that whole little lake’s a solid block of ice”.  The kid just don’t get it, it’s sad.  So I tells him obviously, they stay where they are--why would they go anywhere?  So the kid, the genius, says they can’t ignore the ice.  No kidding they can’t ignore the ice, it’s solid, for Chrissakes.  So I says nobody ignores the ice.  I was gettin real  excited there, and I almost drove off the road.  I t drove me nuts how stupid this kid was.  So I explain to him a bit more.  I tells him that the fish get frozen with the ice, and stay where they are all winter. You would think it would be obvious to anyone with a head on their  shoulders.  So he asks how do they eat?  How do they eat, can you believe that?  Did this kid go to school?  They have things, you know,  pores and stuff that they open.  They absorb the nutrients right through their skin all winter.  It’s a pretty sweet life--they don’t have to do anything for themselves.  And they keep warm too, on account of the nutrients and all, they warm them up.  Sometimes they even warm up enough to make a little pocket of water around them so they can stretch their muscles so they won’t cramp in the spring when they thaw and all.  It’s pretty fascinating stuff, nature.  But I could tell the kid didn’t get it.  He just said “Oh” and got quiet again.  I don’t know what’s wrong with him exactly.  He was the one who wanted to talk about it and  all, but then he’d keep getting quiet.  I’m just a cab driver, for  Chrissakes.  Doesn’t he know that?  I just drive, I’m not supposed to  provide a conversation for him.  They don’t pay me for that.  Then, and this is the kicker, the kid asked me to stop in at that lounge for a drink.  He just don’t get it.  He thinks I’m his friend or somethin?  I’m tryin to do my job and make some money here, and the kid thinks I should be chummin around wit him or something.  For Chrissakes, what’s wrong with him?  I mean, really.  That kid just cracks me up, he does.  I wonder what the hell ever happened to him.  Probably committed or somethin.  So hey, where did you say you wanted me to take you again?