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OK Class, enough with the solar worshipping
by John Lavallée
 

Good Morning. What is that, you say? Perhaps that it is really afternoon, evening, or night? Or even that it is morning, after misreading my greeting? Well, for once (and only once), you may actually be right... by society's standards anyway. But in actuality, you are wrong. You may be wondering why you're wrong. You may be wondering what I'm talking about. You may even be thinking of a joke involving a straightjacket and a large net. To this, my valued reader, I respond patiently, shut up. This is my column. If you don't like it, go back to Russia.

You see, the sci... what do you mean, you've never even been to Russia? Quiet, you fool!

Sheesh.

Now, as I was saying, you're wrong. And for once, I feel I have a very logical explanation. But of course, nobody ever understands my logical explanations. But I digress. Frequently. Back at the ranch, we were talking about the giant science cult conspiracy. You see, class, those of you who have been paying attention instead of packing for your flight to Moscow might point out that I was not talking about science cults, but a possibly forthcoming rationale for my universal use of the phrase "good morning". You fools. Can't you see the connection? Well, for those of you who are less gifted than myself (that would be... all of you), here is a simple explanation:

Good afternoon berry berry bad. Good evening berry berry bad. Good night berry berry bad. Avec fromage.

Now, for the somewhat more complex explanation, which should still be easy enough for your average 185 I.Q. genius to understand. Think about the various greetings you may use throughout the day that are based on the comings and goings of the Sun... "good morning", "good afternoon", "good evening", "good night", "goodness gracious, great balls of fire", etc. What do they all have in common? Well, if you had read just a little closely, you might have guessed that they are all (or mostly all) based on the comings and goings of the Sun. Remember that now? Now, if you think about it, isn't it just a little bit odd to let your vocabulary usage be governed by a distant star at least as far away as Missouri, possibly several kilometers further?

That's where the science cult comes in. Those wacky scientists love the sun. They're absolutely crazy about it. They would probably go live there if they could get anywhere near it without mysteriously burning up for some unknown reason. That's one thing the scientists still haven't figured out. They've made up some wild stories about it being a burning ball of hot gasses ("the hydrogen and the hydrogen and the hydrogen and the hydrogen" is one they like to spout) which are pretty amusing, but nonetheless about as useful and based in reality as Alchemy the Fahrenheit system. Just think about it. No, not the Fahrenheit system! That's completely unintelligable. The SUN, remember? Good. Now, if you filled up your Buick (don't bother telling me you don't own a Buick, because I don't care) with gas and drove it around constantly without stopping, you would not even get close to 100 million years between fill-ups. If this kind of everlasting Willy Wonka pipe dream technology really existed, just think how many suicides could be prevented every year by the absence of those horrible gas station commercials. You know the ones I'm talking about... ah there, I see the look of horror on your face... remember now? Jukie!

However, such technology does not exist. The petroleum companies would not stand for that. Let's face it... we think of the Microsoft corporation as a huge corporate megapower, but they don't even compare to the oil whores. And guess where the science cults get their money. That's right. The bank. But before that, I mean, the money basically comes from oil tycoons and tobacco executives. That's why we see so many "scientific studies" that apparently prove that Lucky Stripes double the life of lab rats and fill them with such scientific terms as "pip" and "vigor":

OBSERVATIONS:

Rat A (in the fresh air cage)

- drank water from bottle
- licked self
- ran in wheel
- licked self
- gnawed on cage
- ate
- licked self
- looked like he needed a smoke

Rat B (In the Lucky Stripes cage)

- drank water from bottle
- inhaled sweet mild Lucky Stripes smoke
- savoured the moment
- coughed and gasped mildly for an unrelated reason
- casually strolled over to corner of cage, sauntering with an air of suavity
- died of natural causes
- corpse seemed to have an aura of "pip" and "vigor"

Are you starting to understand why it is so urgent to quash the solar-domination plot of the evil Kirichenkites? Good. But if for some reason, you still remain unconvinced, let me leave you with this thought: you can thank scientists for inventing the technology which made it possible for you to read this column. Good morning.